For Me: Giving is Forgiving

To give is to allow someone to have. It is a choice, it is an act of putting the needs of another above your own. To forgive someone is then of the same token. It is a selfless act. So why is it so easy for us to give but it becomes so difficult for us to forgive?

As I think of resentment, anger and pain I also remember those who are no longer with me, I think of what they taught me and how they still shape every part of who I am. David, my uncle, to watch how helpless he was those last few months, made me become grateful for every muscle, tissue, fiber and breath. He died of ALS in 2004. Papa, smiled ear to ear the minute he saw me. He taught me joy, he taught me strength and perseverance. He taught me love. Died in 1992 of congestive heart failure. He made the decision to stop fighting, to stop all the surgeries and to let nature take its course. Woody, my great grandfather taught me simplicity. He loved his routine, he loved when I would sit next to him, hold his hand and not say anything at all. Died of old age you can say, at 100 years old. These men have taught me in their last days what was truly important, to see them and witness who they were near the end of their life versus who they were just years before that. When I think of forgiveness I think of death, I think of letting go, moving on and pressing forward. I believe that is where true happiness lies, is being free from that pain, that attachment to another outcome.

Each of these family members are long gone, yet the memory of their lives is forever with me, it moves me forward in my life, to look back at how they changed me, they altered my thinking in a sense, they allowed me to believe in a great many things. Each one of these men knew that they were dying, it gave them an opportunity to give, to let go of possessions that no longer seemed important and to release the pain that others had caused them. I look at my own life and understand that I have let the actions of others hurt me, so much that I have built up a wall of resentment and anger causing me stress and worry. The gift I give to myself this holiday season is forgiveness, to sit in quiet, to write letters to those that have offended and to free myself of any bad thought towards that person. I want to live a happier, cheerful life and that starts with my past pains all the way to present day. I choose this life, and to live it in the best way I know how.

a note for me

As Thanksgiving rolls around this year I start to appreciate all the people in my life, the people that are no longer in my life and the people who were taken away too soon from life. If there is one person that comes to mind this Thanksgiving it is my grandfather. The vision of strong, a provider, an innovator and when I walked in the room his heart would melt, his stubborn ego would all melt away.

While he was in my life he was the perfect example of love, a love that I have strived the rest of my life to find. My parents, showed me a love that is from the tough love category, to them I owe a lot more than just a blog post. A lover, ends in love lost, time lost and wounds open. But my grandfather taught me of a love so deep and profound that can only be given from a grandparent to their grandchild. It is an unconditional love that can only happen between two people that are so profoundly opposite; me in my innocence and him in his wisdom.

Roll out my mat, see my practice today, the frustrations that I have. I realize that I have hit a place where it is time to start a new chapter of my life. It is a shift that looks like this, my life is starting to reflect how I feel inside. What is the attitude that you have toward yourself? Do you reflect outward what is going on inward? A clean car, a clean diet are all reflections of how you truly think and feel about yourself. If you think your going to fail, then you set yourself up to fail. If you look at yourself with the greatest intention, a goal to achieve and a set of shoes that you will grow in to, patience, faith and trust is all that is standing in the way of your success.

As I come in to this holiday season I think back to my Grandfather, who saw all the possibility of who I will grow up to be. A love so deep, it has taken me 25 years to understand. A love I should have for myself, the belief that I am enough, that I want to see myself the way my Grandfather saw me. So here's to Grandpa, to spoiling myself with love and positive thoughts. To being thankful for my body, my life, my dog, my job and life exactly the way they are.