For Me: Giving is Forgiving

To give is to allow someone to have. It is a choice, it is an act of putting the needs of another above your own. To forgive someone is then of the same token. It is a selfless act. So why is it so easy for us to give but it becomes so difficult for us to forgive?

As I think of resentment, anger and pain I also remember those who are no longer with me, I think of what they taught me and how they still shape every part of who I am. David, my uncle, to watch how helpless he was those last few months, made me become grateful for every muscle, tissue, fiber and breath. He died of ALS in 2004. Papa, smiled ear to ear the minute he saw me. He taught me joy, he taught me strength and perseverance. He taught me love. Died in 1992 of congestive heart failure. He made the decision to stop fighting, to stop all the surgeries and to let nature take its course. Woody, my great grandfather taught me simplicity. He loved his routine, he loved when I would sit next to him, hold his hand and not say anything at all. Died of old age you can say, at 100 years old. These men have taught me in their last days what was truly important, to see them and witness who they were near the end of their life versus who they were just years before that. When I think of forgiveness I think of death, I think of letting go, moving on and pressing forward. I believe that is where true happiness lies, is being free from that pain, that attachment to another outcome.

Each of these family members are long gone, yet the memory of their lives is forever with me, it moves me forward in my life, to look back at how they changed me, they altered my thinking in a sense, they allowed me to believe in a great many things. Each one of these men knew that they were dying, it gave them an opportunity to give, to let go of possessions that no longer seemed important and to release the pain that others had caused them. I look at my own life and understand that I have let the actions of others hurt me, so much that I have built up a wall of resentment and anger causing me stress and worry. The gift I give to myself this holiday season is forgiveness, to sit in quiet, to write letters to those that have offended and to free myself of any bad thought towards that person. I want to live a happier, cheerful life and that starts with my past pains all the way to present day. I choose this life, and to live it in the best way I know how.

On visions, dreams and reality

Truth is, whatever I aim to achieve is possble. If you work hard enough, long enough and without interruption you can achieve anything. You can set any goal, even achieve it, but that doesn't mean it is supposed to be yours. I see people everyday chasing dreams, it is fascinating to take a look at what makes us drive ourselves forward, sometimes into the ground in order to check something off a list. Do we love the achievement, do we love the suffering or the high we get chasing goals or do we just love life, that being able to achieve great new heights is truly living at its fullest. 

I have been called "the walking accident," "a great athlete that never finished" and on and on it kept going through life that I was talented, I could achieve a great many things but it was always a little too high of a reach or so it seemed. My problems were never talent but on showing up on the line when it really mattered. When it came to production, to shining in the spotlight an injury would show up. Frustrated to say the least I became very bitter, angered that I could never prove myself in the right moments. Then I stopped, looked at the situation and realized that if I paid more attention to my body, my alignment and had proper coaching that I could have been more. 

Or is it really true that I learned all that I did, that my love for being active is to teach not to win. I struggle with this reality because I love being the center of attention. Through that struggle I have been forced to live my life, to find other parts of life that I enjoy. I learned the long hard road of what it feels like to heal your body, it took me almost two years to begin to feel my age again after my motorcycle accident. It taught me patience and it taught me to enjoy a simple life. To get out of bed every morning and stand up was a struggle all its own, to put on my clothes required that I sit on the floor. To drive my car I had to go slow, to turn right required that my entire body moved. I hated when people would slam on the brakes because the force required to stop my car was so painful in my body it made me crave normalcy, to just feel absent of pain in the body. So, to look at my life today, being able to run and swim, go to a yoga class and live pain free feels incredible.

Maybe my purpose is to teach, to inspire others to compete and give you the tools that will let you shine, that the reality is I can be happy doing routine work and being ordinary. Maybe your reality is that you can love something and never get recognized for how great you are and we have to be accepting of that reality first. Do I really love what I do or do I love the attention I get while I do it?

I dream of a day when I can cross a finish line, a real one or the imaginary one to the goals that I lay out for myself. I try to start small, I build up one day at a time and ultimately I write down the big goal. I would love to be the girl that gets it back and can prove talent on the line. But that will never be enough, see we are always chasing to be better in all ways. The shift that I had to make was coming down from the clouds of lofty dreams and hopes of others into the reality of what I can truthfully achieve and what my purpose ultimately is. Do I have the patience and the love for what I do to keep showing up and wanting to get better, so that it doesn't matter if I am on a sports team going for the win or just enjoying myself in a sport I am working my body with an intention that it has to be challenged and I have to know when enough is enough, when rest is needed.

ready, set.....goals!

where you are

vs.

where you want to be

goal setting is all about a healthy push in the right direction. I write on my bathroom mirror a quote that is inspiring me this week, an intention that I want to hold myself accountable for. I see it in the morning, mid-day and before I go to bed. It holds me in the space that I want to be in. And when it is no longer doing that, I erase it and write something else. That is the essence of goal setting. Write it down, look at it everyday, achieve what you can everyday and then cross it off and start over. What do you want to accomplish in your life? Why? What for? What steps are you taking to achieve these goals? 

Every week I sit down with this question of what I want. I have dreams, a vision of who I will be in 10 years and it starts with each day, holding myself accountable, renewing my sense of purpose. I have to ask myself what I really want in life. Is it money, travel, a family, will those things make me happy? Am I happy at all with nothing? Do I really know who I am? Setting goals allows you to explore who you are, what you enjoy, what you think you enjoy and the reality comes when you can cross out a goal that you thought you wanted and realized it was never your goal but someone else's.

Where do you want to be tomorrow? I want to be happy, I want to feel secure and confident in who I am. The actions of today affect that. The actions of right now are putting my dreams into reality. I set my foot down and I say YES I CAN! I can do anything I put my heart and soul into. I set out to accomplish all that I want in this life. 

Start here....
1. sweat, walk, move my body, each and everyday
2. eat clean food
3. learn something new every week, challenge the brain
4. travel

Then become more focused on what really drives you:
1. save $10,000 for the trip to Africa ($200/week)
2. drink water, only water all month long
3. buy only organic foods
4. teach myself a new pose every week (or a variation of a pose)

Goal Setting will become something that you crave, that you know you need. I will be having a really bad day, go home and whip out my journal or iPad and just start writing. You have to open yourself up to an empty page, a page that has no judgement, no comments or criticism for you. It accepts you, then you begin to accept yourself and transform into the being you were created as. Enjoy the process, enjoy learning about yourself and you will find that people enjoy you when your doing what you love, 100%, with no apology. 

Please hold....

The ebb and flow of life. We live for the highs. Love when things go our way. When the universe seems to hear our every thought and answers it better than we even asked for. It is the valleys, the moments of stagnation and holds. It tests our patience, it refines who we are and what we stand for if we are willing. It is hard to be in that space. We get tired, restless and wonder when things will change. It is in those times that we learn the most, we set goals, say things will change. What happens when you are put on hold, stuck with no escape?

There is no way to remain the way you are now: you either become more rigid and crystallize, or you break out of patterns and transform. In yoga, you never achieve a pose, you start to find out how a posture works, you work at that and then continue to break out of old habits and discover better ones. Our bodies change, mind changes; we change. The pose never changes, we change in the pose. We change in this world. We develop to the pose and find ourselves awakened to the body, mind and spirit of each asana and to each situation in our life. 

I firmly embrace this philosophy that we are always changing. With that said there is a space that we must hold, embrace the stagnant movement, feel secure in that space and then move forward. Holding in the asana practice builds strength, challenges the mind and breath. You must develop attention, focus, edge-playing, levers and lines of energy in order to fully grasp a pose. Even then, you must continue to practice, to grow on the mat, to live a life that embodies growth and change even in a stagnant place. If I am not willing to change in the times of holding, why would I change when things are flowing?

We all have a "limp" that keeps us from our full potential. Find what your limp is in the hold. What hurts, why are we irritated and miserable. Fix it! Then embrace that all good things are coming when you live with arms open, heart open and eyes fixed upon your goals!

everyday be.

"Your duty is to act, not to seek a reward for what you do." --Bhagavad Gita

I am going to make this short because it deserves no explanation. Wherever we place our attention, we naturally overlook other things. Set you sights on what you want. Set your attention to the goal. No complacent energy. Withdraw from ordinary distractions and focus on the goal(s).

Everyday Yoga.

Everyday right living.

Everyday smile.

Everyday forgive.

Everyday eat clean food.

Everyday live fully.

Everyday sweat.

Everyday love.

Everyday be you.

Trust

Trust.

There are many forms of trust, some call it faith.
In life, who can you trust? Will you ever trust again once it has been broken?

As a yogi it is easy for me to stand on my hands, my head and contort my body in all ways. I know that I can trust my body. I rely on that trust to get me through each day. I have trained myself to trust no one, to not rely on anyone, to let go of people and any expectations that I will have of them. 

What is your story with trust? Maybe you trust friends and others more than you trust yourself. Is it time for you to challenge that. I know it is time for me to learn to trust again. It is time to let go of my independence a little and start to let people in again.

I would love to say that life is better on your hands but it's not. You can be a firmly planted tree with roots so deep you will never move, or you can be a leaf blowing in the wind, no roots and no plan of where you are going. No matter where you are in life trust that you are in the right place, you are growing as a human being and when it is time to move on, trust that you will go in the right direction.